My Muddled Sadness

Too true....so sad....sigh

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 02:11:04 GMT

the Peacemaker
Test finished!

you chose BX - your Enneagram type is NINE.

"I am at peace"

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
tune out a lot, especially when others argue
are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

are supportive, kind, and warm
are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BX

Would you rather have chosen:

AX (SEVEN)

CX (TWO)

BY (FOUR)

BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 25% on ABC

You scored higher than 25% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Oh, Sweet Death....

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 04:55:06 GMT

I feel as though I've died again. This time it hurts even more. I feel as though what heart I have left is being scratched into shreds. I know I'm cared for, I just feel neglected. Like I'm not important. I want to scream "I AM IMPORTANT !!!" I feel like I'm the only one trying to talk, trying to keep any communication. I just want someone to keep and take care of me. *sigh*

Stumblings of my mind..

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 06:22:22 GMT

I want to lock myself in the cupboard....to close out all of the fake people... the ones that spew hollow words, directed in your area, to make a point they don't really believe. Maybe to make themselves believe it... I want to put the ones that genuinely like me, care for me, and love me in this cupboard with me...to surround myself with them for so long, that I actually believe what they say.

The things I thought before don't hit as hard as they used to. I must either be growing a defense, or they're old. Or I just don't care.

I understand that I'm not all that bad, but I'm not all that great, either. It's never been proven that I'm actually worth a damn. All the people that say it are just as screwy as me. Maybe it's a sign. Be with your own kind. I can honestly say that I don't think that anyone's life I've signifigantly touched had come out any better than it would have if I hadn't been around to deter them. I've only given them more problems, that they feel the need to solve, because for whatever reason, they like me on some level. I AM NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. You should understand that. I did a long time ago.

*sigh* It's so much easier to not have to dumb it down. I love my cryptic way soo much more. Sorry, kids, but I must revert.

I'm a thing of long ago that didn't fit in when I was. Never have, never will. I balance my sanity on a hair on silk, knowing that when it falls, everyone will notice, although they don't now. Invisible, yet noticed. I serve the purpose of showing others what they do well. Of bringing them to their paths of destiny. To be a vessel.

uugggghhh...

My brain can spout no more this eve. I will go, rest. and maybe tomorrow I can tell you of how I see me.

First and foremost..

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 01:51:34 GMT

Ah, the luxury of a place to spew and dwell without direct response or retaliation. No getting into trouble. No getting told I'm weak. No hearing I'm better than that. The gloriousness of silence. The loud, reverberating silence. The screaming of ponderings. The droning of dwelling.
I am enclosed in my sadness. It envelopes me. I am a creature of indeminable self-torture. I am an abomination. To have the characteristics that I am now posesses with, the talents and obsessions, and to be cursed with an overwhelming case of melencholy. In my lake of depression, there is no breaking the surface in this underwater prison. *SIGH*

I'm a very pesimisstic, untrusting girl. That's why I was made into this. He thought it was funny to sneak up on the drunk sad, blithering depressed girl for a bite. To misuse your power of creation to transform a depressed girl into a eternally depressed, caged monster. Fine. Watch me from afar and laugh, you Bastard. Find my eternal misery amusing, you pathetic Dick. But my weaknesses have their high points. I'm funny. I like making jokes. I'm pretty subtle untill I get angry. That's when I like myself the most. I'm proud of me then.

I love my pretty. She's the only thing that makes me feel pretty...she is a constant light in my life.. I don't know what I'd do without her. She is my strength. She keeps me from hating myself as much. From wondering why I deserve to be alive. I think I love her. I don't know. I haven't ever felt for anyone what I feel for her. A strong, rushing, sound-deafening, heart-racing, type of feeling. Everytime I see her, I feel this insane pull towards her. I feel like I HAVE to touch her, to have that contact. It burns me, sometimes with a hot heat. Sometimes with a cold one. To see her stare into my soul makes me shiver. The blue ice in her eyes is beautiful. It softens for me, but not to the point it'll melt. I won't let it. I want to hold her, to make her feel as pretty as she makes me feel. I want her to understand how much she effects me. How much I feel for her.

*BIG SIGH* I'll go for now. I'm momentarily mentally spent.

My Muddled Sadness

Too true....so sad....*sigh*

"I am at peace"

Oh, Sweet Death....

Stumblings of my mind..

First and foremost..

Too true....so sad....sigh